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"How to sing the blues"

Fernstudium für Fortgeschrittene


(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Groy with help from Uncle Plunky and rubin )

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "U got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman - with the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman

with the meanest dog in town.

He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher

and he weighs about 500 pounds.

4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

5. Blues cars are Chevies, Cadillacs and pickups. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. Dying while skiing ain't a blues thang.

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis, or a hunting dog in Alabama.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a boring depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colours do not belong in the blues:

a. pink

b. beige

c. mauve

9. You can't have the blues in an office, bank, or a shopping mall the lighting is wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. the highway

b. the jailhouse

c. the empty bed

d. the railroad boxcar

Bad places:

a. Starbucks

b. Gallery openings

c. weekend in the Hamptons

d. Sea World

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man with a string tie.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes... if -.

a. your first name is a southern state-like Georgia

b. you're blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis.

d. you can't be satisfied.

No... if:

a. you were once blind but now can see.

b. you're deaf

c. you have a trust fund.

d. you own a condo in a golf resort

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues .... never ever.

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the making of the blues.

Other blues beverages are:

a. red wine

b. Irish whiskey

c. muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:

a. Any mixed drink

b. Any wine kosher for Passover

c. Yoo Hoo (all f lavors)

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16. Some Blues names for Women

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Belle

17. Some Blues Names for Men

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little George

d. Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra, Brian, or Alicia, will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

18. Epitaph on a blues musician's tombstone: "I didn't wake up this morning"